


One Big Human Heart Gently Beeping

by ImagineDragonflys



Category: Cyberpunk Red, Let's Play Cyberpunk Red - Polygon (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, M/M, sort of idk if i did it well, tragic backstory time babey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 20:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20681513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImagineDragonflys/pseuds/ImagineDragonflys
Summary: Prompt: vang0 calling burger in the middle of the night to pick him up after he went by himself to investigate a lead about his past, but it turned out to be nothingi.e. someone asked for angst and i tried to deliver





	One Big Human Heart Gently Beeping

**Author's Note:**

> i tried ok

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Vang0 Bang0 paces the wet pavement of a deserted street. The grey steel buildings looming high overhead. Between the smog and the storm clouds brewing overhead it might as well have been nighttime. Vang0 wasn’t concerned with the scenery though. Instead he was breathing deeply, blinking furiously to hold back the hot tears clouding his vision.

_Why are you even so upset? You knew this wouldn’t go anywhere,_ he thought bitterly. It didn’t help.

It doesn’t matter. Just another dead end in a string of false leads. He contemplates calling for a cab but he didn’t want some stranger to see him on the verge of a panic attack. Wouldn’t be good for his image… Before he can think too much about it he calls Burger Chainz. Tries to make himself sound normal as he asks for a ride. Burger doesn’t ask questions just tells Vang0 he’ll be there.

Vang0 sits down right in the middle of the sidewalk, not a person in sight. He runs his manicured hands over his face. Wills himself to not let this be a big deal. Wills himself to ignore the pain and the disappointment. He closes his eyes, some stray tears leak down his cheeks and he quickly brushes them away. He tries to separate himself from these feelings, this moment, this lifetime, to make himself an observer. Capable of locking this shit down and tucking it away. It’s not working out.

It’s practically no time before Burger’s van rolls to a stop at the curb. Wordlessly, Vang0 gets in and keeps his head downturned. There’s a nondescript acoustic track playing at such a low volume it takes Vang0 a minute to realize what the noise is. He can feel Burger’s eyes on him for a moment before the van pulls away.

Burger and Vang0 are close, really close, maybe an abnormal amount based on what Dasha said(not that Vang0 has a great frame of reference). But they don’t talk about real stuff. Not as a rule, it’s just never been something they do. And after Burger hadn’t pressed him for details on the phone Vang0 just thought this would be another thing they pretend to forget. 

Burger didn’t seem to have the same idea.

“You want to, ah, tell me what’s going on?”

Vang0 just stayed silent.

Burger continued casually, “Why were you all the way out here by yourself?”

For a minute, Vang0 thinks about just ignoring him. Pretending to be too caught up in his thoughts or too much of an asshole to respond. But he sees Burger glance at him, earnest, concern plain on his face and thinks if anyone deserves an explanation, it’s him.

“I thought I had a lead. About me. Turned out to be nothing. It was dumb anyway, I don’t know why I thought I’d find anything.”

He stares straight forward as he speaks struggling to keep his tone neutral, not let his stupid emotions leak through.

“You coulda told me you’d found something. I woulda come with you.”

Vang0 can’t stop the small, bitter laugh that escapes him, “I didn’t _find_ anything. It was a dead end. Months, I spent months researching this shit. Most of what I found was useless and anything useful turned out to be a dead end. This was the one thing that seemed like it might have a chance of being real. Of course it wasn’t.”

“I didn’t know you were looking into this stuff.”

“I don’t even know why I am. Or was. It’s- it’s stupid I should just move on I’m obviously not going to figure out anything about who I was or why someone did this to me…”

Burger was quiet for a moment, “Didn’t think you cared that much about that stuff.”

“I don’t want. I just do. It’s like- I don’t know who I used to be but I miss them? Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m a whole person. Like I’m not quite real. Or maybe I was never real in the first place. I don’t know…”

Vang0 squeezed his eyes shut, forcing his eyes to stop welling. There’s a hollow silence that surrounds them briefly, it could be seconds or hours, it’s agonizing.

“What was it?” Burger asks, “The lead.”

Vang0 brushes at his bangs, eyes tracking the passing streetlights for a moment before he responds, “Cosmetics shop. Underground. Not legally sanctioned. No public records of patients but from what I found their clientele is pretty upscale. Figured someone who powerful enough to wipe a memory clean wouldn’t just half-ass it.”

“Oh,” Burger said, looking at him again, that annoying concerned look still on his face, “You never…”

Vang0 shrugs, “I can’t know for sure. ‘S just a feeling. It’s like, sometimes when I look in the mirror I don’t recognize myself. Like this isn’t my face, even though it’s the only one I’ve ever known. I look at it and I just know that’s not me. And I get startled like I’m wearing a mask I can’t take off. Even if I could… Who would I be? I mean, who am I without what they made me? Don’t even know if I am anything.”

He rubs a hand over his face, “This probably doesn’t even make sense. But it’s sort of like my skin doesn’t fit right and I _know_ that but everything else is a big blank spot. I wish I could just let it go and move on but I can’t. I need to find out what happened but there’s no trail. As if I just blinked into existence in that warehouse.”

The car had stopped. How long had the car been stopped? Burger had a soft look in his eye as he listened. Now that he’d started talking he felt like he couldn’t stop though he desperately wanted to. Vang0 wanted to bury this deep down and ignore it. Lock it away until it disappeared. Didn’t want to have to talk about this. He hated the vulnerable feeling in his chest and how every word he spoke felt like it was cutting him open. But he couldn’t stop.

“I’d spent months looking and found nothing. And then I had this lead. This one lead. And I knew better than to get my hopes up but I did anyway. Everything I’d found about that place felt like it was leading to something and I wanted to believe so badly that it was. Whole way there, my heart was beating out of my chest. And when I finally got there? It was empty. The place just wiped clean. Like it had been empty for years. ‘Spent two hours looking around for anything, searched nearly the entire building and got _nothing_.”

Vang0 didn’t realize he was crying again until a tear fell on his arm, startling him. He rubbed at his cheeks furiously, shaking his head, “It was stupid. I should’ve known better than going. And going alone was a dumb risk. Shit, this is ridiculous. I’m so stupid-”

“Hey,” Burger reached out and laid his hand on Vang0’s, “don’t say that. I didn’t know you before but I know you now. You’re smart and wicked good with a gun and you’re my friend, whether you wanna be or not. You’ve been through a lot on your own but it doesn’t have to be like that. You’ve got people who want to help you. Words and stuff, that’s hard for me. But I can try and help. If what you look like doesn’t feel like you, I’ll help ya can change it. And if feelin’ like yourself is less ‘bout looks and more just how you feel, figuring out what happened, who you were? Then I’ll help you with that too. All you gotta do is ask. I’ll be there.”

Vang0 eyes are still wet and his mouth his hanging slightly open. His brain short-circuiting at how damn earnest Burger sounds. It was hard to trust anyone in this city but he knew he could trust Burger. Before either of them realize it’s happening, Vang0’s leaned across the center console and pressed his lips firmly against Burger’s. It lasts only an instant before Vang0’s brain turns back on and starts blasting alarm bells. He pulls back slowly, rubbing at the still-damp spots beneath his eyes. A dumbfounded look contorts Burger’s face and before the big guy gets a chance to speak (or Vang0 a chance to put his foot in his mouth) Vang0 opens his door.

“Thank you,” he says as he slides out of the door, “for everything.”

They just stare at each other through the open door. Not for long. Some unspoken sense of understanding settling over them. But Vang0 doesn’t want to dwell on all of this right now. Panic over the many vulnerabilities he has just exposed is already setting in. Looking at Burger though, he knows he has nothing to worry about.

Vang0 takes a deep, shuddering breath, reminds himself that he’s here, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And he shuts the door.

**Author's Note:**

> gay rights? yell at me @sheriffofmagic on tunglr


End file.
